Christmas Wish List

Every year I do a christmas wish list but this is the first year I will actually blog and publish this. But I also realised that the wish list I make every year never comes true either cause its too materialistic or that its unrealistic. So this year I am going to check the check list to my Top 10 most wanted list.



1) ******* ** **** *********** ** ***** **** ****** ****
2) To find my other half, my soulmate, someone I CANNOT live without
3) NEW Ipod Nano (Black or Red(limited edition))
4) Ipod/Nano Docker - Clock/Alarm/Radio/Speakers for Bed Side Table (BIG BIG ANALOG CLOCK WITH LIGHT) - This was completed by my best friends, so cool hahaa...but only thing now is I don't have a functioning ipod to plug in hahahahha!!!!
5) NEW Wardrobe - Change of Season; Change of Style
6) Iphone 3G - COOL!!!
7) 4-in-1 Epson Printer with Fax (Option 1:Epson Stylus™ Office TX600FW ; Option 2:Epson Stylus™ Photo TX700W)
8) Power Block (Option 1:Sport 5.0; Option 2:Sport 5.5) + Gym/Sport Bench with Adjustable Angled Back
9) New Foldable Bed (Super Single) Durable Strong yet easy to retract. Confortable Couch when folded.
10) 1 Year (2009) Supply of Sana.jp products for Slimming/Skin Firming including Esteny Fit Sauna & Power-Exerciser Hot-Turbo
11) Nikon D3 with A Full Low /f Wide Angle Zoom Macro Lens & Fish-Eye Lens; Two Batts; Flash Extension Batt.
12) Full Entertaintment System 5.1 Speakers with DVD Player and Recorder
13) 32" LCD TV with Full HDMI function ETC ETC ETC

Operation Get Broke by Xmas....10%...40%....60%....COMPLETED!!!

Well just thinking about the completion of the Christmas Shopping for 2008...broke of course as usual but another thing came to mind in the middle of the satisfaction of finish what I would call a long battle of the shopping aunties... hahaha.... I realised that since 2001, I have yet to receive a gift that I truely like.... I dont meant all those I received before I hate, its nice and a lot I can say very usefull and very nice. But I have yet to receive one that I truely and really feel its what I always wanted and needed in my mind. You know the song, my Two Front Teeth? Well I am still waiting for my 'Two Front Teeth'.....

熱帶雨林

Its speaks my life

I wished I am the Rainbow....

I wished I am the rainbow that brings our world!!!...

Dancer in the Dark

A friend mentioned Bjork just and I got to remember a move I seen some time ago called 'Dancer in the Dark'. Also by Bjork. I feel so dancer lonely in the dark now, dancing my own tune, my own timing, my own life...a lonely dancer in the dark and this seems so empty world is my stage.

Will I dance alone forever?

Don't Get

I usually don't get what I want in love...I don't know why...is it that I not desirable enough?...its usually taken away from me with ease...I don't like this feeling...of alway losing things to circumstances or to others.....I am just no fated...

Watching a movie

Well just got a question....'you angry so don't wan to play anymore is it?'

I answered, 'watching movie with a friend'


But I didn't say I was not angry....

But no one will know cause no one will read this blog...cause no one knows me...not them...

We were never strong enough to survive this...

Having lunch alone today made me realised that everything in life is transient of the moment....friendships...love...life...everything.... for once in my life I feel frighteningly alonely in this world...because I just lost something...but maybe I never had it in the first place. Its an oxymoron but I afraid its true. The one true stem of stenght in my life seems to be also transient...tranisent of the moment...of the time that passes. There is a chinese phrase that says there is no banquet that will not end. In the end everything ends, one journey ends for another to begin, one path closes for another to emerge from another direction to another destination. I feel I just walked finish a path but it also seems that all along this path I was on was an illusion, false illusion. At the end we were never in the first place strong enough to survive thru time and space...and over time and space we gave in and gave up....we drifted and we parted, like the banquet we are at the final dish and we are ending this journey together as we never was together.

So in this ending journey I prepare to say goodbye, as we end in the fashion that neither of us imagined. We all made choices, and choices I feel is the thing that ended this journey. Your choice made me make my choices, and you don't feel see or sense it because you left me long ago already. White lies was told knowingly or unknowingly to prelong something that was lost long ago. I was too blind to see it then and I was too blind now to see it too late. You are the world to me but I am nothing but a passing cloud in your life. The ironic thing about this entire situation is that you may never know when you ended it in your heart, when you made to decision to close to me or you will never read this blog and all the blogs before to give you a warning sign you had left me I and I had left you...

Frighteningly lonely I continue this other journey called life without friends, without family without love. LOS said before that as long as you love you still have hope. I think my hope died long ago...cause I don't know how to love anymore.

What is that four letter word mean anymore? I really don't know...

Watching LOS......

its 1.19am now...just watching LOS again for the don't know how many times...just realised I have fallen almost completely on someone that I should not even dream about... I just wanan hold him...to have him in my life...which next thing that scares me is he maybe leaving soon..... leaving from work...from my circle of life.... how would I react then?..when the time comes I may not be able to handle it... I dream of me and him together in this life..thru life..thru marriage thru young times and old....dreams that only my heart knows...that may only have my heart knowing...

At least someone finds happiness

At least one of us got to find happiness....at least one person in the group got to be happy....I am glad its sammy cause he's been the best within us all but of course best comes with the worst too..but best overcomes everything else...and its good that his best had reaped rewards that he so well deserved.

They will look after each other....I am sure..

I am happy for you bro...all the best....hang in there...its all going to be great...

Diamond in the Fire

Will you grab the diamond in the fire? Would you still go for that one very most valuable gem in the blazing furnace of fire and coal?... Would you knowing you will be burned, scar-ed, injured, hurt in the fire and still put your hands in for the moment for the one most precious item in your life?.... A question I ask myself and see the people around me go thru, going thru over and over again. Maybe I am scared, maybe I am a coward, maybe I am not a man as I would like to be....but I never ever once place my hands in the fire for that most precious item in my life. But others around are alwasy jumpping in getting hurt and not considering the consequence of their actions just for that moment of happiness, moment of peace, moment of themselve....maybe thats why I am me now, not the person I would like to be, not the person I wan to be, not the life I ever wanted to have....stuck in this predicument...But with the crys and complains of the people around, I feel more fear then need to not enter the fire....knowing too much knowledge is it a blessing or curse?...

I paid 2 bucks but others paid 100 bucks...thats why

What can one buy with 2 dollars and what can one buy with 100 dollars? Its apparent the value difference of the 2 versus the 100....and cause I paid only 2 dollars....I am paying the installment of a life time...over and over again......

Anyone understand?

Giving up....

Seems like my body is giving up on me...getting flu and cough over and over again....feels like time to give up hahaha....very tired these days..like nothing is perfectly right these days...all wrong wrong and more wrong.....

Where went wrong? What went wrong?..

It all began 20 years ago....

I wanna be an olympian too!

Watching the olympic opening this year gives me a different feeling...feeling of mising stuff in my life...like being the best can be...being an olympian...envy on all the people at the olympics....the guys who excelled so much to be who they are....the chance experience and everything...everything....everything....

Eased...

To move to my future....I got to eased my present..all the is linked to me......to move on....I am giving up now for then...

You think our special forces training is horrible?...think again!!!

Well was on youtube last night surfing and watching mtvs...when one of the links to a video was the chinese frogman training from up north...OMG...after watching I felt pain in my muscles and bones....you think our men here training is horrible especially those elite ones...hahaha..think again....THESE ARE STRONG MAN!!!..

And you see all the POP parades we have usually is accompanied by route marches that everyone thinks its crazy distance of 21km 42km 100km etc...well this POP is only 50 metres...but its HELL of a 50 metres!!!

Well I only wish I had 10% or even 5% of what they have...but reality and dreams can be worlds apart!!!.

Dreaming Dreamer....

Wah Another Post Yet...

Today must be a boring day at work for me since I can post so many times...well just set my Ab Crosses for tomorr...wanted to do mounting but the microscope is taken so its relax till the microscope is freed up....

Well just looking thru friendster's profiles and friends of profiles...and see so many hot people...and I wonder why ain't I one of them?...the debate of chub and 'no chub' labels was just discussed in Trevvy's forum with an alarming response from the Trevvy community and the best thing is that....everyone thinks their point is right, either responding in an arrogant manner or diplomatic answer to smoothen the masses. But no one...and again I said NO ONE addresses what is the real issue here. Well the real issue is, for example if you are an employee...or wanting to be an employee....you send resume out....with your photo attached(which I can say in some job applications is a BIG MISTAKE)...but any-o-how....you never get a call for even the first interview....so whats stopping you from getting the job? Is it that you don't apply early enough? Your font on your resume sucks? The font size too small they can't read? Or that your resume is in Chinese? Oh best, the post lost your mail?.....well same in the forum everyone is taking about everything else but why he never got the first interview!!!!.... And the why is that, you can brag all about how you can accept chubs, and that they are actually fun people too and that you never despise them...at then end of the day, ask yourself how many times you have looked thru a profile and and seen a chub profile and actually read it? How many times have a chub msg you and you just simply ignore or pretended its not there? How many times have you picked up a chub at a club...or even better still actually did any chub caught your attention before that you wan to talk or approach him(and not to laugh or otherwise). The real issue here is that if you do a statistic on all the people who posted their forum reply and their history of chatting with chubs, or having a chub as a buddy, given keys to chubs, or even dated a chub....well the answer is probably less then 5% or probably 0%. This falls to the alpha-male theory because in nature and evolution we are build to look for the most primed and ribbed and strongest other half mostly to propagate a stronger and better generation. The animal instinct in us no matter how much higher brain function we have got doesn't matter cause the animal in us takes over all sense when it comes to choosing mates and other halfs. Same for PLUs, this theory is the same applied, that's why we chubs suffer this injustice of nature that everyone wants someone better, but of course we as chub also fall into the same trap of wanting someone better cause we are still although not alpha but more 'alpha'-male looking for the other real alpha-male.... So the bottom line is, you cans said as much as you can about chubs are also fun, chubs are also good people, I don't despise chubs but at the end of the day is if you don't give them the first chance of interview then don't say until like you are the innocent party of this cruel judgemental article that blames you for what you already stand for but hid behind the curtain of forum diplomatic righteousness.....

You don't see cause you don't want to see me and nature doesn't allow you to see me....

'Life is good'

I recently read on a blog that someone commented 'life is good'...I wonder what is 'life is good'? is it life is good to you or that life has no bad moments in your life?.....I know my life isn't 'life is good'...its normal its average its even bad...So why some people can use the term 'life is good' yet some others can't? Some had 'life is good' all their life yet some others had 'life is lucky' only....lucky to have scraped across, lucky to have survived....

My life has most parts been 'life is lucky' uptill now which is life is sort of almost meaningless....I live day to day thinking what is life?...is it living like this? I don't know...

I need a big break...a break that changes my 'life is this' to 'life is good'....

Where is the break that is big???...

I dream of it....

If I won Toto

Well today in the office forum someone posted the What I would do if I won the 8mil Toto that is coming up.

Well my answer is this

hmm I more realistic...haha not saying thnking before winning is realistic la..hahah

4mil(assumming got 2 winners)

200k each for parents

150k for sister

100k for bro-in-law

100k for new-born niece(for further study)

50k each for grams(3 of them)

25K for each uncle/aunt(family) (8 of them)

15K for each cousin(11 of them)

10k for each niece/nephew(6 of them)

(total 1.325mil)

875k Get Housing of my own(probably condo as investment)

1mil Savings(fixed-D/higher savings rate accounts:so can spend interest earned)

500k Investment300k Storage(Emergency Fund for any 'incidents' or sickness in family needing month)

200k personal spending to be spread over 12months minimum, including:

- Immdiately go for good dinner, good not necessarily expensive!!!

- Take a personal holiday to destinations I wan in bagpacking mode(always wanted to do that)

- Take family for good holiday

- Treat ENTIRE family (about 40people) to good good restaurant)

- Charity to Cancer Research/Orphanage/Old Folks

- Contribution to Church

- 20k to split between colleagues(IMCB)

- 20k to split in few good friends.

Well its dreams..as I am a dreamer...but I wished hoped and wan to confident that it can come true.....

Wishful Thinking?...hmmm

I am a Dreamer

I realised this morning after fantasizing about the 8 million Toto that I am a dreamer...I went thru the thots of my life and the moments I remember seems to be surrounded by dreaming, day or night....in the dreams and reality that I build for myself...the perfect partner, the perfect life, the perfect situation and outcome to everything, the perfect way, the perfect happenings. But I realised that it can or will never be. Cause dreaming are maybe(s) and not will be(s). Dreams act as a kind of goals in life that people strife for but usually or in all cases it never happens the way its meant to be. Coming close, yes, almost there yes, but never identical. And my dreams of life seems more far fetched then I think it is and more impossible then usual. I am a dreamer, not a doer not a fulfill-er...only a dreamer.....

Admire but cannot take

Think my life is a game of admire and let go...alot of stuff admired and yet I had to let go..cause either I can never get it or that I can never achieve it...

Finding myself...in the midst of chaos

Well finding and re-discovering myself in the midst of complete chaos.... It has been a tough road and the road will get worst I know...but finding myself is the only way I can find the purpose to live for. Now life is a adrift for me...just drifiting from one point to another...no direct decisions made no one path I wanna walk, except for being pushed by the wave time and time again. I wanna find my purpose, my goal and my ultimate ending....the ending to my story. It seems like for now everything stop is an ending point...but somehow I know there is tons of stuff infront waiting for me...for me to come and grab it...to achieve it to survive it....to grow and learn...to discover my true self... But for now the ups and DOWNS in life are taking up my hands and I got no free hand to handle anything beyond this... I am waiting for my big break...something to happen...something to come.... my BIG BREAK in life that will repeal me to the path and the ending of my life...may it be 1 yr, 5 yrs or 50 yrs more...I finding to belong, to be holded, to be purposeful, to be ME...

So I come to the age old questions of 'Who am I?' and ' What do I wan?'...

Question that can hopefully be answered only in time...

Drifters

Drift
(n) to float around unpredicting and unevenly
(verb) Drifting:action of floating around

I am a drifter....and its time to drift again...

I HATE LIFE SO MUCH

I HATE LIFE SO MUCH NOW....SEEMS LIKE IFE THROWS ME A CURVE BALL IN EVERY INTERVAL....WHY CAUSE I SUCK....CAUSE ITS ALL MY FAULT...

I WANNA LET GO!!!!

The Greatest Distance...

The grestest distance between two persons
Is not that you are oblivious to our love
But then when I am infront of you
And we both love each other
and fate keeps us apart forever

Orange and Apple

Is an orange and orange? Of course some would say...but is an orange an apple also? Hmmm a question that not many will answer correctly or wrongly. Cause there is no right or wrong answer. Its a matter or perception that we see the orange as an apple or an orange. Then the inital name of the fruit is no more 'orange' but then just fruit. So wat fruit is that some ask, some will answer orange some will answer apple and some answer its both or neither. So which is the 'correct' answer? Who defines the correct answer and marks the criteria and outline of what and when it is an orange and not an apple and when it is an apple and not an orange and when its both or neither? As another fruit, let it be watermelon, which also cannot tell if the 'fruit' in question is an orange or an apple. What basis of it is an orange or an apple do we do out analysis? Would it be worst if the undefined 'fruit' suddenly wan to be called watermelon?...then where does this place the old 'watermelon' that always thot it was a watermelon? What can help the old 'watermelon' find weather it itself is a watermelon or is it another fruit which it itself does not know? What if the old 'watermelon' decides to give the name of 'watermelon' to the undefine fruit and simply just walk away? What will happen then in the entire fruit of the forest? I can tell you nothing cause the names of watermelon and orange and apple is no important. But the only important thing is that one is happy the other will be happy walking away.

Anyone got the moral of the story?

我可能要放開你的手

These days my heart feels weird like the world around me has finally done its final spin as the world starts to slow down bit by bit as it somes to a stop. It feels even more now that I may have to let go of something so precious to me....these days my hearts feels like its mimic-ing the song 手放開....like I got to let go if its the right thing to do....if I really love I would let go......cause its happiness more important then anything else, but not for me...

So as my heart enters this hollow mood, enjoy the MV below..

Crazy KTV!!!

How to work the balancing device?

How do your work the balancing device when both sides have different weights?...could there be a way to balance the weight of 10kg to 5kg? Can I make it balance this indifferent difference? What can be done when two persons drift away unknowingly when the previousness is still preserved in picture? When one clap but one stand still....is there sound? How can one drift from one when one doesn't drift from the other?

Changes in our lifes....

Recent events and happenings in my life has sort of shaken my world abit...mostly cause of recent convos with some people...that made me think about the happenings of the recent events. Seems like change is in the air these weeks. Change that may make or break me or him/her or we or them. It seems that as thou the issue of 'love', either friendship, relationship or kinship seems to revolve around the idea of possession and more. Is love never enough cause regardless of what form of love, as long as its earthly love it may or will never achieve the standard of agape love? Of the five love, we fail at agape the worst, cause I feel humans don't have the capacity of handle the kind of requirments of the agape....although it means unconditional love, but to be unconditional, there are conditions. Because we cannot see pass the uncon part of the entire picture and clouded bu the conditions of life. Maybe its the original sin at play, the greed, and conditions and the selfishness that bore in the apple. The apple being the vessel of greediness of wanting it all, the conditional love of everyone, and the selfishness of unwillingness to give up what we have.

Seeing the world now like that's, the events and people around me saddens me more to feel more along in this world, but not because that I can give agape and others can't because in actual fact I am more revolving in the three worlds of the original sin then others. No, but its more because I feel I may never find the person or people or group that I truly can love and be loved. If even a marriage can be broken in the light of new influence, if even marriage cannot stand the strain of time and space, if even the strongest friendship wave in the influence of a little branch that called from the tree, if friendships can become strayed cause no one seems to feel no one is right and themselves is wrong....then what is the purpose of this constant finding and searching and thinking and suffering for this 'love' that we may never find?

Today is a day of thots and feelings flying thru the air and time for me. I haven't felt so heart confused and head lost for along time. I am tired to handle such stuff at now this age but then will this ever stop in once lifetime? What can be hold on too in this lifetime that is actually real and do not change? I know now its not family...its not work...its not myself...and feelings and thots tell me now its may not be even love.

This flipping from "frame 20 to 21" maybe the hardest for the people around and myself this period. We cannot see the path in front, there is a cliff behind and there is no one around but "us"...The sands of time for this frame of our life has stopped and we maybe powerless to do anything.

I maybe unknowingly knowing that I am lost something so dear and precious to me...that I may just forget and never look back again. To turn around the enter the pit of the ending cliff falling into the past of my life. How to ask someone if that should I worry?...We struggle on this problem and I see now daylight or breaking of the night anytime soon or ever.

Like twigs that fell into the river, some comes together in a current, and with another current of the river we will separate. Some will journey on, either alone or together, others will get stuck behind the river bed of rocks, some smashing into pieces as the current slams it against the rocks of the river, and others just disappearing unknowing why and how it happened.

Wii at its best!!

My present for my Bestie....Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

In action of play...

Tired...meaningless life...

After getting sick for awhile...after a few years working for nothing but money, I feel like my lift is leading to something meaningless. I start with strenght but totally drained by the world of money and stuff...drained by my means and the means of others. Till this very day and very moment, I question what is my life leading too? What do I get up everyday for? There is no joy, no life and definitely no passion for this life I live in. Love left me, family is almost gone, job deserted me, only friends hold me on...but is that enough?...

I feel like letting go...just into the deepest sleep I am find and never waking up....slumbering till a time when life itself cease to exist.

Whats life?...Whats this breathe that I draw?...Is it living or being lived...

Maybe my time is over, I had the greatest time in life...I had my greatest love before...there is nothing standing in the way of me and the tunnel to the other side...

Maybe my leap of faith is into the tunnel to the other side...maybe this leap will save me...

I wonder...

Love of Siam...Together (English)

Love of Circumstance...

Love of Siam...Together

Sleeping....Wake...and RAPE!!!...hahah all in the land of BKK

Sleeping...Waking....Raping..hahaha.....

BKK Prata made in Grace and Style

BD@BKK@Siam@Siam

My BKK Trip 2008

Transit Area Drinks and Food before 2.5hr on Tiger

Crazy about Tiger? haha

The Altitude is getting to HER!!!

Two Beauties on the MOVE

Can you see ME??

Cantalope its GREAT!!!!

Sawadecarp!!!....Mc's Style

Our first Morning First Breaky

LOOKS FANTASTIC!!!

Glorious Gorgeous FOOD

FOOD AGAIN!!!

Gay boy and Bi boy....guess who is who?

Two Girls on 'Beverly hills' of BKK

ICE CREAM IS A SAVER IS THIS WEATHER!!!

Three Guys or Three Gays? in BKK...definitly the latter

Prata with Egg and Cheese, its so SHIOK!!!

Me Naked? NA, just fat exposed to oil the swimming pool...hahaha

Feels like Genting...haha...but NO its still BKK

Two Girls again drinking at Suan Lum

Night@Lounge area

Mirror Mirror in the life, who's the pretties of them all?

Second Day Breaky....Gorgeous again...

Gays at Chatuchak

The Siam@Siam Design & Spa Hotel

Lychee Shake....its very refreshing...love the lychee flower...hahah

BD Celebration on the Third day...THANKS GAYS and GALS...

Gays at the pool...hahah...BKK MAH

NO we are not a couple...hahaha

Last day last hour in BKK Siam@Siam....Poser shot....

GO! GO! Augy-Boy...?

This year's birthday was a different one for me...special? I don't know...but a different one...mostly friends and less family...but then these few months family is only a tag along. Nothing more nothing less...I am starting to pull totally away from my family...totally and fully away from the ties that I always though binded the most.

This BD for me was a friends and more for me. A great dinner at Pier Eleven with my best gal in my life. Someone who has more then influenced my life but given it driving force. But thru the dinner and the night I also realised she has like me growth up and grown away. No matther wat happens the relationship between us will never change except for the life's path the will divide and hopefuly prosper out in its own wonders and glory. Friends too will eventually have that ending, not an ending to friendship but I suppose the cross roads that dvide. Destination same, thots same, but paths are different...and eventually we journey with others.

Wishing for this year is simple, I reserved this year's wish for myself, not for family, not for friend but myself. But this is a hard wish, when can this wish happen? Will it?...I don't know unless the heavens flip and its suddenly normality is imposed. My wish is simple yet there is no road to this dream. Will he look at me differently? Will they notice me? How can they or he notice me when I myself don't notice myself? Its easy to see me for my physical outlook is not pleasing but largely noticeable. but its not easy to notice me....a paradox in a paradox? Yes I suppose.

I live life in paradox-es and oxymoron-es ideaologies. Worlds and dreams around me exist in un-reality then in reality. I am like 'Ah-Sin' in the movie, holding on to something but in reality can his happy ending happen in my life? or lifetime?...Its a mystery waiting to be unraveled.

So Happy Birthday to myself...

The angry silent type.

I suppose I can be classified as a noisy angry type...always just complaining about stuff and telling people of the angry inside...cause I want share I want to be sympathised I want to be be told YES ITS UNFAIR. But the worst (not in the sense of the person being the worst) is the silent angry type. Holding inside only to share with few or only closed closed people. But holding it inside and making no noise... The anger screaming inside must be deaf-ti-fying. Knowing someone like that is really painful. Cause I can feel the angish of the person being that I felt or may be even still subtly still feeling the angish or anger of the situation.

This goes back to what are we all worth? Worth of a degree...degree 2nd lower...degree 2nd upper and 1st?....are we all defined by the paper and ink that is typed, print of handwritten by someone?....What in the world are our worth or value? Some are worth 1k...some 3k....some 5k...some alone the bonus of 1.5mil PER YEAR is probably the worth of my whole entire life. Who defines this WORTH value? What is the judgement based on? Is it as simple as how Tam, Mel and the some other put is as in its just a job and what is really what we want?...is this worth here enough or that we want more?... Is the more the deciding or limiting factor? But then in some cases, similicity is what we want but its unfair-ness we get. We cannot understand why some have a Posch while others a Toyota, and yes others 'Vehicle' 11....What determines why we are in a 3 room...executive...Bangalo A that can cost the value of my entire family and more.....just for earth bricks and space....Some of royal blood...others of tonic-ed filled blood...some others of blood that barely pass for blood.

We struggle in this world in unfair-ness, in crulity, in injustice...is the world unfair/cruel/injust or is that these entities roam in this earth, in the air, dirts and the hearts of humans?

We fail to understand life now, can we understand life later?.... Do those who pass before us really understand life?...or was it still blankness as we came into the world that we left it empty too.

How many of us will actually figure out this amazing secret of the Universe before we leave it?.

We have a choice to live in this world and how we live in it...but we have no choice in the happenings around, we can only control that which is in us but not out.

What are we all really living for?...Understanding? or the after life?

Unfair-ness in the real world or Reality in the unfair world?....

And again I ask this reality or real world question. Is this world really unfair to me or is that unfair-ness roams in this world?.... I am really happy yet at the same time really pissed at the situation. Angry at the unfair-ness of this real world....I am upset with how everytime everything seems good and seems to be going well in life when life smacks you with a biggy of a reality check. I am pissed at how destiny has played me like a doll. When others are the master of their own destiny. I am pissed that eveything just sucks....

What is my worth?...my worth is 3k after 3yrs of hard work and experience with a degree whilst others are worth 3.5k with just an extra paper to show it..... I thought paper was wood but I was wrong, paper is gold, paper is life, paper is you destiny of whether you win or lose, paper is stained with ink shows just how much you are worth. This PAPER, I hate it...I HATE IT.....its had governed my life from the moment I wanted to get it till the moment I gone it till this very moment when it haunts me thru others.

Paper...is it really wood? or is it really something else?

Who can tell me what is paper?
Who can tell me what is my worth?
Who can tell me what is going on?

Am I confused in the real world or is it just reality is a confused world?...


The truth hurts, kills and pisses me off....I wished I never saw the truth....

Reality in a Cruel World...or is it Cruelity in the Real World?

Sometimes we cannot differentiate if its the reality if life is that we are in a cruel world or that its cruelity that roams this real world?.... A perfect situation just left my place. Example...For one's future we make choices and chooses what that we thing is right... We choose to follow our path but when the path apparently annoys someone, you try to not make a scene and you try to please the person by making the best situation possible. But can you do when he strucks bad with a stab in the back, we can we do when are struck down by a blow not of strange but of blood?... Our own blood strucking us down?... This harsh truth, this harsh reality...cruel to a certain extent but yet still real in the cruelity.

What can we infants to this cruelity react? eye to eye? or just let it pass?

Are living in a reality of cruelity or that just in positive note that cruelity roams in the real world, only waiting for us to find it?...Do we fall? Do we rise up?. Do we just let go?

Sometimes truth is too hard to find, but even found is too difficult to understand...

Talent in the Family...but not in me...

Well I am really happy to have such talents of creativity and artistic-ness in the family, unfortunately I am not one of the happy recipent of this gift. But anyhow I am happy. Enjoy the following art piece from my cousin DAVID.

I like to hate JB....Jacq the Bitch...

Well the title speaks for itself...Jacq the Bitch...hahahaha

Realisation....No Reverse Gear...No U-Turn...

I realised that in this world, nothing is real except the reality we build for ourself. Cause in this reality we are king, we own the world, we can fly, we look fantastic, we are the centre of attraction, and nothings can stop us or get us down. But outside of this world, this self created world, we are just who we are...nothing more nothing less. Everything that we are now, is what we have made us to be. Some people more good choices than others, some more bad choices then other. We make who we are. I realised today on my way to work that time goes forward. And that that we cannot go back...to redo what we wan to do now cause we know it would be better. How could I have know that if I continued to play soccer in secondary school could change me now?..or if I have sticked to nijatsui when I was learn younger that I would have achieved so much more like what I would want to become. Some people believe in reincarnation, althought I am a Cat and so its not my believe, but even if I did, that change can only be made in my next life and that life now is still going forwards. I am driving a car that moves forward, no reverse gear or left right turns to do a U-ee...

So I am stuck in this now...who and what I am, of course nothing more, and definitely nothing less. I want to change but its too late. Some say its never too late but what is the meaning of late in these people vs my 'late'...they will never know, or that if anyone here would know. Cause if I could have known better, known earlier. I would have changed...so much earlier. Then maybe I could be a different person, a different me, a different life....

Bangkok Love Story

I wished I could leave...

I wished that I could leave now....just pick up the pieces of my life...whats that remains and leave..fly to wherever my heart takes me...maybe to aussie to finish what I started...maybe to korea to engage in my love life...maybe in US just to start a fresh where no one knows me and I am just a normal guy....

I wished all these would stop...I wished all the problems will be solved....I wished I could slumber in the midst of this horrible situation....I wished 'we' could change place.....

I wished I wished I wished.....its only 'I wished'.....nothing more....

But I know that I can wish that I leave the world now....and that is something in my control....sin or not...hell bound or not...I am just 'I wished'....

I wished.....

Pointings in Views...

I suppose everyone comes from a different point of view in life..everyone seems to stand in their situation or the nature of their life or their upbringing that stems within themself. And it difficult for one person to change or even attempt to make someone else see the points in view. But yet we have people when points in views are closer and some others worlds apart. Sadly my in life, the people that brings me the key to my life's changes and happenings are the 'worlds apart' categories. There see not eye to me and therefore fails to advice help or answer the questions at hand. Yet people that see eye to me or almost eye seems to be in an entirely different group where their words are the only best help. Cause actions cannot be achieved. Yet these power and action people are also in the other group.

It was said that my life is alonely one...traveled alone and journeyed alone. I cannot see the future when I stare straight into the mist. This mist is clouding my judgement and the only people around close enough to help are blind to my lost-ness.

Onces again I try to achieve something I have no means to be able to achieve.

Best Friends without a Thot

Is it possible for goodfriends, bestfriends after so long a time go into a zone or blur-ness? That suddenly everything become blur from the passing time, and that you are just in name the BF or GF but no more actually an understanding friend? or is that scenrio only played when some assumed that the status of BF and GF was established long ago that actually in reality that it was a spoken word of no value and that it never existed? That what was build on was not the foundation stone but the muddy clay, slippery wet and anytime may collapse due to the weight of the condition of the friendship? Stains and burdens, problems and arguments? I wonder sometimes, the 'fingers' that I count are they really my BF or GF or that they are but my active imagjnation of something that does not exist and all the feelings of having this friendship was more one-side then two...

Because if the friendship was that strong, was meant to be, was in the statuse of BF and GF....then why can't it stand up to the gentle breeze of the ocean but crumple into a thousand flakes upon the clay of life?

If you were really my BF or GF, why can people come between us yet to you is just.....normal?....

If only.....

Lauf of the day......

The lauf of the day would be that when you are shouting at a face....but nothing comes of that....a face that is either too innocent or just stupid.....

I don't know which to choose.....innocent or stupid....Which will you choose?

Bother to Find...why not bother to ask?

I don't understand if one is bothered to find...so show concern yet why isn't bothered to ask or date?.....Fear or is it just lazy?....but so am I lazy...and fear....hmmm..degrees of fearness or just this society is too difficult for us to survive?

Ask me and I am yours...do you wan to believe?...will you find this in the first place again?....

No more hearts...No more Msges....No more the FIRST MOVE MAKER!!!

I don't want to be the first move maker anymore...I make the move....I try but it slaps me in the face...
Eithers its I not the type...not good enough....or super closetted....

I am tired of making the first move....making the first advancements....

Tired of being the real me...so from now.... a mask I will wear...the mask that I am suppose to be...a man...man of live man of love man of reality...

cause maybe using a mask is not as tiring of making moves that doesn't go anywhere...

So good by those who don't care....care but don't want...care and may want just too afraid....I am also afraid....so whats the difference....

I can't and don't want to wait for you all anymore.

A good bye to Cyrus, too tired to wait.... when you don't even know how to hand this maturedly...

A good bye to those now..cause I cannot be always just be behind a msn or sms.....and no action....and I don't mean s**.....

A good bye...

A New Year 2008...A New Change...

Its in the new year already...2008....the holidays of the Christmas and New Year seems to just breeze by...shopping...eating....meetings and all...but its all in the past already...a new year....but not sure if its a new beginning....

Besides all the resolutions at the beginnnig....I begin to understand myself more...that love to me is secondary....life is primary...

Addition of resolutions
1) Not to live on other's but on myself....cause living on others is so tiring....
2) Live Life day by day...no more then 2 days at a go...cause the future is too hard to predict and too hard to plan....so why plan...