Lonely...Thinking

On a Wednesday night after a long day at work...feeling lost and lonely once again...trying to figure out exactly where I am and exact where I am suppose to be. Today's work was not a good one. After working as I feel hard for so many months, actions broken down into little bits and told its just not enough. Sub-conciously I hate the two sentences of 'room for improvement' and 'how much we gave you in the beginning'.

I feel truely I cannot take these kind of, to me, unreasonable judgement and unfairness. But then its just me. Everyone else might agree to this. I would never know idea.

As sit in my room, alone in front of my computer I wonder if life has ever been fair to me. Given and taken away...false hope and unfulfilable dreams. I sit here in this room of only four walls listening to the new song from the new episode of Narnia 'There's a place for us' and wonder if there ever will be a place for me to belong, someone out there that I can belong too.

I am growing, but growing away from reality, growing away from realisticness, growing away from life and what it stands and represents, growing away from friends and family, growing away from love and my heart. I feel so cold some nights that I don't feel cold anymore. It has become a part of me, that I can feel because I am numb, numb from the cold of life and love, cold from being in this room alone only with my four walls of blue.

At least the children from Narnia can escape into the world of Narnia, but where can I escape to? My mind is growing blind to the world of warm and people, I see what I don't want to see, only the cruel and coldness that slowly but truely that I am turning cold and cruel too.

Who am I? I have changed from Catholism to Atheist in one night....but am I choosing not believe or that I truely not believe anymore? I cannot distingish the difference anymore. As I type this very long blog in a very long time, I wonder how long more can I survive like this. From her grow apart more and more each day, not knowing her actions anymore, being the most important in my life for so long, but now just cannot hold on anymore cause I just don't understand her anymore. As much as I am lost in my life, I am as lost with her.

Will this be my last christmas? I cannot understand and don't want to understand anymore, this joyous season is now a dreaded season. Maybe being gay is really a mobit situation. Maybe there is nothing there really for us...for me...I sleep every night retreating into my world of dreams only to find the morning dawn coming too fast. I pray for another night yet I don't want to go thru the day, yet night comes and I fear that which makes me lonely but all is fine again when I sleep and when I enter into my dreams where I am safe from the troubles and cruelity of this world.

Am I also dead in this world and gone to another world of dreams. I want to escape into this dream world forever. I just want to really leave everything behind and not say goodbye. Tired....super tired....cannot breath....or don't want to breath....

I don't know...or do I?

Wondering if there is a place for me out there.....

Tired of this place...tired of this pace...Is there a place out there for me...

Castles in the Sky

Why do we build castles in the sky when we know its just a dreams....

The legacy

Just tired from trying. Another one no sound no picture. Just disappeared into thin air. Seems like the people I get to know are all Hudinins. The amazing 'race' of people who just disappear and reappear expecting me to be waiting for them.

I am just tired, pissed, and frankly don't bother anymore. Numb from the experience, exhausted from the failures.

Seems like my life is heading towered this direction lately. Financial sucks, family is non-existing, may lose my sleeping and staying place soon, no love, no life, and just numb & exhausted from everything. I don't wan to say it or worst even admin it that the Cheongs are not destined for happiness. I really don't want to believe it but no evidences points NOT.

I am sitting in a bus at 7am in the Morning on a 1hr 20mins journey to a job I frankly still don't understand and filled with people who are nice but headfilled with unrealistic expectations and over estimated egos.

Why have the Cheongs come to this situation. Affairs. Mental disorders. Gay. Broken. In debt. No love. Can't feel love. Pitiful.

If we all disappear now, will it make a difference? Will it be better for everyone? More importantly will any one miss us?

Tired...exhausted...I start another day of unrealistic expectations and over the top egos.


Augy Bogy from iPhone

A new week

It's a misty Monday for me. Got on my bus on time and the bus driver is great. Very friendly chap I have seen in ages. Today is a running around day for me. Stuff to settle. Accounts to set up. ITQ to bid before I step out. Will it be a good day? I don't know. Just being Still and let Him show the way.

My situations seems to be settling down. For now its still a Still time for me. Waiting. Learning. Or more relearning. Feeling. Understanding.

I suppose there is only one Sigh in me life now. Being lonely. The cold hard nights are getting indifference to me. Searching and finding seems not as important. I don't feel that initial thingering feeling when I chat and joke and share with another. I can say that maybe I am getting wiry of RS that I am getting comfortable with the cold hard night. Trying to be Still too in this area and waiting for the Wisdom from Him



Augy Bogy from iPhone

Death if my Gift

I fear help, if there is, would have come too late.... Feeling Death is really my gift...at the end is only me and Death...

Another word is trite...

Another word I searched that is me now is trite....I am tired beyond words...

Dashing hopes...

It seems that's once again. My hopes are dashing. Beaten down all over again.


Augy Bogy from iPhone

Should be so blessed

I should feel so blessed. But I feel u am slowly slipping back 8 years ago.


Augy Bogy from iPhone

Disappearing

I am slowly disappearing into nothing as days goes by. Finding it hard to see myself in the mirror. Another day another night. Another weekend another week.


Augy Bogy from iPhone

Bill of Life....

What is a bill of life? Is it mean that we are healthy? Does it mean we have the right to live? I don't think its so for me, my life is filled with bills that my life has become a bill of life....Ironcially is that I took after the person I never wanted to be like....but now in the same shoes, I finally understand the feelings and emotions he went thru, the only difference is that there was a support system for him, but there is non for me. I am alone, I came into the world alone, and now I will exist alone. No one around me no one to accompany me.

The funny thing is that no one will discover untill its too late, mostly because I live alone, and no one comes back till weekend. Four days is enough time to.....

Going West....

Time to go west.....

Wishing

Wishing for a wakeless night....


Augy Bogy from iPhone

The T Word

seems like no matter what happens, what we do or what we try to put positive in life...we cannot leave the T word. The T word seems to be circling around our lifes...breathing down out necks.....

The sudden dark cloud...

The weather these days are cloudy and rainy. Does it reflect the dark clouds in our life? I really don't know. All I know is problems are around....and growing bigger and bigger as each day pass...literally. But is it a problem or blessing? I really don't know again.


Augy Bogy from iPhone

I cannot feel upset...its suppose to be a great day and it will be...

Trying to keep a positive mind, a fantastic day it will be...with pink dot and most of all spending it will the inner circle of my life..but hmmm......we are late..I am still home and everyone seems to be everywhere but Hong Lim Park....no no no...I must keep positive and know its going to be a good time!!!!

Dreams....

How many of us can say we follow dreams? How many can say we are happy with our dreams? I would day alot. But dreams cannot fill a part of our life that only a warm body can....

I am tired of being lonely just because no one sees me!


Augy Bogy from iPhone

An eye?

Feeling really pissed off now, seems like one thing after another pissing me off, and building my frustrations on situations....

Does this warrant the doing of an old saying, ' an eye for an eye'? I don't know, all I know is that I want these people to pay for their doing. My thot is don't cast the first stone unless you know you are not guility yourside.

But then a another advice came as don't stoop down to that level...maybe....but at this moment frustrations fills me.....I need to run, just run and move forwards....

Monday, good bye my friend....

So fast its been 2 yrs, so fast that I got to say goodbye to my good friend....I will miss him, he been with me for 2 yrs but it seems like forever. We been in tight spots, and weird angles, looking far and seeing near, been there to save me from time to time, and most of all he's the only one that has never let me down untill now. I will miss you, I hope your new good friend can be as good if not better then I can be. Thanks for all the wonderful moments in life you have given me and much much more. Thanks for everything, thanks for giving me so much and never asking back anything, even till the very end. Thanks my best friend and pal.....

2x yesterday, 2x call today...haha....

Its strange that in one day I had two and in the next day both called for seconds, hahah....She was right, when it rains, it pours. But as a human we all will ask will it be enough? Do we wan more? Which is which is right? For me now, I cannot decide, maybe it will decide itself on what path is there for me...But I just pray and hope that the mess now can clear up thru a miracle so I can move on with peace. But it has to be a pretty huge miracle, but I will not doubt, but believe HE will provide for the new beginning that maybe soon be coming.

Trying to stay postive. But...

Trying so hard to stay positive but hmmmm. I am feeling trapped again....


Augy Bogy from iPhone

To Continue...

Another friday night, another weekend on the way, will this be the last one? Feeling very hard to carry on, really tired from everything, worring every month, living like this. But I know the root of the problem stems from my doing, but its now just too hard to handle, too hard to face. I suppose I am just tired from juggling something so out of my limits. Another friday night, another night alone, alone in this world of silence. I have settled everything else, only left is the road less taken now, will I be strong enough to do it?...I dont know....

For now

I am feeling damn shit now....the feeling of falling off a cliff, not free falling but more plunging to death...I suppose both about the same....feel like crying, tearing almost every day yet there is not one....But is really no one or that I dont wan anyone around? I dont know...

Living with a family....Living with people for that matter...

I realised that I have come so far living along that I feel strange then there are other people in the house, even if they are family....its like my whole big space has been invaded into and I cannot be as normal as I used to be...weird weird weird...

Irony...

Just had the most fantastic dinner but not because the dinner was fantastic, which is was, but because of the company. The night ended with a frantic search of oranges for Joot's hampers. But the night really ended over a cup of Ice Lemon Tea and Chestnut drink when we discussed a good friend's recent encounter with the A.S event. Irony of Irony that the facts mentioned mimics the life I lead now and that every aspect mentioned was my life. Am I the next victim for the A.S symdrone? I dont know...maybe, maybe not....but it seems very likely. The next few days till the 2nd would determine it.

If I can some how do it all over again....

I am wishing now that if I can do it all over again....wishing that I can restart my life all over again....but think its too late....the road is getting less and less to travel.....am I at the end already?

I realised...

I realised now that there is only two choices I can choose from...either I end the pathway or I got to branch out.....

End of the Road...

I am reaching the end of the road....

Miss me

Listening to Loving and Forgiving song suddenly feel that will anyone miss me if I am gone?


Augy Bogy from iPhone

Loving and Forgiving....

Loving and Forgiving

At home now...just suddenly remembered a psalm sung by Tam at Mel's wedding...so went to find it on youtube....it actually have...hahaha...I was surprised.....

Refrain:
Loving and forgiving are you, O Lord;
slow to anger, rich in kindness,
loving and forgiving are you.

All my being bless the Lord;
bless the holy name of God.
All my being bless the Lord,
remembering the goodness of God.

God forgives us all our sins,
healing those who live in pain,
saving us from final death.
God fills us with goodness and love.

Good and gracious is the Lord,
slow to anger, rich in love.
God remembers not our sins;
forgiving and loving is God.

As heaven soars above the earth,
so great the love of God for us.
As far as east is from west,
the Lord takes our sins from us

The 'Wrong' Spirit....

I realised now that why people in situations like mine or probably worst, feels that the 'wrong' spirit is so smoothing. Because it doesn't talk back, it doesn't advice and it doesn't judge....Now I think I found for the moment my new friend....

The Mission is almost completed.....

The mission at hand is almost completed, after 7 years of going around in circles, I still ended up at the exact same spot. I feel in honesty of things, its in the blood...this was is and has always been in the blood...Just a couple more stuff to handle, one giant party and then its time....