My Last Xperiment 2009

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半情歌........

I feel very empty, but not the usual emptiness I feel when I get lonely or in the singular-hood I am in. It feels like another whole new yet old kind of emptiness, one that I havent feel in years and never this bad. The weeks before was ok, not that bad, that I could ever see this coming...and now it feels even worst...maybe I finally realised why. I think its because I am still singing half a love song for so many years that I cannot sing the song finish or move on. And it seems that my ever up and down revolves around this. Last weekend was a not so great one, but I am not sure why I feel more upset then it should have been......and more surprisingly this week was the receiving of something that was an unexpected but not shocking item. But I suppose thats not the worst of it all, you would imagine receiving this item or replying to this item would be bad enough; but no, the worst is that I suddenly either don't want to or don't have the strenght to reply to it. I suddenly feel so tired. I cannot help but to ask who am I to this item? Do I matter that much? But then if I do that would that item know what's and why's of stuff? of me? It questions not only myself but the last 16 yrs and what actually I have been holding on...I suddenly feel so tired of holding and giving...I feel lost in his circle I created for myself, going in cycle round after round after round....and I never ever got out....the string was still stringing along my way. I had a date last week that didn't go well but now I don't know if it didn't go well cause of me and my date-less years that made me stranged of dating or that I didn't wan to date cause there was still something around good enough. But is it still good enough? I mean please its only a picnic and only clubbing, why would it upset me so much? Maybe its the lack of effort? Maybe its the lack of bodies around? I think most of all its the lack of vision.... I was never in the aperture of the camara lens....I was never in the focusing box of the shot. I was always the background...I suddenly feel so tired...I don't want to be in the focus only when there is no more other focus points...I don't wan to be not-blur in the photo when there is nothing else to focus on...I need a break, I need to think if this is what I want...I want to know if I still wan to sing this half song, my half love song in life...

I suppose all these thots are only left here in this space cause you will never see this....

So I like to delicate this song 半情歌 to the feelings I feel now....