If she only knew....

Had a good sunday yesterday, spend sometime with the people I cared the most. But the day's event wasn't the most lasting memory for me. It was a conversation I had have a close someone who really made me sad. Of all the moments and thought I had, of all the givings and pleasings I give, of all the love I shared, I was hurt when I heard one sentence before and the moments of the conversation. It sadden me to think that after all these years, I am still the on on trial. Being placed on the stand to judge if I was...if I was around, if I was giving enough, if I wasn't there more...

The saddening thing is that I was always or mostly there...well up to recent, but the people who I cared most were mostly never there for me. Since years ago, and still now on going. I suppose thats why I have learned and burned to know that when I need someone, I just don't need anyone anymore, cause like the phrase goes, I scream in a crowded room but no one responds, cause no more hears... At the lowest points of my life, in the pass 10 years, no one was there for me, 'you' won't there for me...

But cause I love, I cannot give in and I cannot tell, cause I fear that what that may come after, I fear to be really totally alone. Ironically, I am already totally alone....

A Wrong Msg Sent

I just recevied a wrong msg from someone this morning...Well I am assuming its from someone to a wrong person...cause I was refered as the third person... But thats not the point I am driving here, my point is that in a small msg that you can so much about firstly yourself and secondly the image and position of yourself in the person's mind. It is true that I had lost the last straw...

Made it?....I didn't....

Yet another life story of making it.....achieving a goal....goal that pushes the person forward....But where is mine make it?...hmm...tired of living in the shadow of the past and worst of all making the same mistakes.....am I destined to fall the same way?.....

Looking but not seeing....

After so long again, I understand again that I dont want to see anymore. Looking if find but not seeing cause seeing hurts my heart over and over again. Seeing just pains too much in the now me, so I choose to look but not see. I choose to look in front, behind, to the side and pass all so that my eyes will not hurt once again. The seeing blind, I have after so much time evolved from the seeing to the seeing blind, cause to the world I am nothing but space in between the next person and them.

no more seeing...only looking...