Recent events and happenings in my life has sort of shaken my world abit...mostly cause of recent convos with some people...that made me think about the happenings of the recent events. Seems like change is in the air these weeks. Change that may make or break me or him/her or we or them. It seems that as thou the issue of 'love', either friendship, relationship or kinship seems to revolve around the idea of possession and more. Is love never enough cause regardless of what form of love, as long as its earthly love it may or will never achieve the standard of agape love? Of the five love, we fail at agape the worst, cause I feel humans don't have the capacity of handle the kind of requirments of the agape....although it means unconditional love, but to be unconditional, there are conditions. Because we cannot see pass the uncon part of the entire picture and clouded bu the conditions of life. Maybe its the original sin at play, the greed, and conditions and the selfishness that bore in the apple. The apple being the vessel of greediness of wanting it all, the conditional love of everyone, and the selfishness of unwillingness to give up what we have.
Seeing the world now like that's, the events and people around me saddens me more to feel more along in this world, but not because that I can give agape and others can't because in actual fact I am more revolving in the three worlds of the original sin then others. No, but its more because I feel I may never find the person or people or group that I truly can love and be loved. If even a marriage can be broken in the light of new influence, if even marriage cannot stand the strain of time and space, if even the strongest friendship wave in the influence of a little branch that called from the tree, if friendships can become strayed cause no one seems to feel no one is right and themselves is wrong....then what is the purpose of this constant finding and searching and thinking and suffering for this 'love' that we may never find?
Today is a day of thots and feelings flying thru the air and time for me. I haven't felt so heart confused and head lost for along time. I am tired to handle such stuff at now this age but then will this ever stop in once lifetime? What can be hold on too in this lifetime that is actually real and do not change? I know now its not family...its not work...its not myself...and feelings and thots tell me now its may not be even love.
This flipping from "frame 20 to 21" maybe the hardest for the people around and myself this period. We cannot see the path in front, there is a cliff behind and there is no one around but "us"...The sands of time for this frame of our life has stopped and we maybe powerless to do anything.
I maybe unknowingly knowing that I am lost something so dear and precious to me...that I may just forget and never look back again. To turn around the enter the pit of the ending cliff falling into the past of my life. How to ask someone if that should I worry?...We struggle on this problem and I see now daylight or breaking of the night anytime soon or ever.
Like twigs that fell into the river, some comes together in a current, and with another current of the river we will separate. Some will journey on, either alone or together, others will get stuck behind the river bed of rocks, some smashing into pieces as the current slams it against the rocks of the river, and others just disappearing unknowing why and how it happened.
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