He Knows

I think he knows...and thats scares me more before I get to tell him....

End to a Great Night or a Great End to a Night?....

ITs 5.19am now, just came back, showered and supposedly to be sleeping but I find myself at the computer at this early morning blogging this entry. Last night was my 29th Birthday's celebration with the closest and most important people in my life, dinner and clubbing. I would say that I lotsa of fun and tons of lauf-er, amist the hot windless weather and a bad stomach of too much beer and brandy at the same time. Which is a note to self to not drink tons of beer and yet go clubbing with a bottle of brandy for mixer. But besides that the night was fantastic for me.

But some how now at this early hour, I cannot determine if it was an ending to a great night or a great ending to a night. But having its separate meanings and denotes. An ending to a great night would be everything was perfect, or at least 90% perfection, not much flaws and troubles. Yet a great ending to a night can mean either in the good or bed sense of the word. I cannot say that I am happy the way the night ended nor can I say I am unhappy that the night ended in this manner.

So its with this unsettled feeling and questions of what happened that I bring to bed this early morning, this early second day into my 29th year of my life.

So I will sleep and ponder if it was me or if it wasn't me.....

Happy 29th Birthday to me....but I fear to say 'and many more'...

Tired from being just me....

I am tired from being just me, me now, the place and time I am in. All seems to have gone wrong, something I have done wrong that placed me in the situation that I find I cannot come out from. Who will save me from this place? Is this my training and learning? This is the path I need to journey to become something greater? Cause I really don't know the exit path now and I fear that I may stay in here till the end....

April Again

As I enter into April, the month of my joy and my sadness, the very first few days again ask me for decisions in my life that will either affect or crush it. At 2.05am on the 3rd of April, I cannot sleep. I cannot close my eyes and not think about the future and where I am suppose to be headed. I am tired, again tired of choosing, I wished that some how someone else could think for me but then its my life isn't it? So who can think for me? Another 20 days to the day I was born, born to die? or born to suffer in the uncertainty of my sexuality, my life and my being. Another another year for me is about end and begin as I end and start and return to the begining as I enter the ending.

What will the decision I give tomorr affect my life for the next few years? Am I betraying a promise for my greater good? Or am I forgoing the option of my life for the moment of comfort now?

Tomorr will tell...