Thursday, February 10, 2011
I am S.I.S. tonight....
Today was a bad day. One hit after another. Then realising maybe this life, this supposedly new life may not be what I actually want or need. In this life I breath yet I cannot breath.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Second "New Year"
This maybe my first blog for the 2011 year. Lots has happened, lots of changes been made, lots of things are changing. After the first new year, after a tiring 2010, after all the has happened. I realised I changed, changed alot, not sure if its a good change or a bad now. Started to not love anymore. Started to not believe anymore. Start to move down the path of Atheism. Started to lose faith in everything. Start to drift from family. Started to die inside. Started to become more selfish. Started to resent the "silver spoon" people. Started to hate people who take for granted things in their life. Started to move away from some people. Started to live simple. Started to gain weight. Started to not gym. Started to have not good tots. Started to really hate ego people. Started to understand loneliness. Started to be alone. Started to understand life is nothing but trouble pain. Started to question why others have it so easy yet I am here struggling. Started to resent being me.....
And from all these "startings" I changed, I changed to be silent. Changed to think for myself only. Changed to make "them" pay. Changed to be even more selfish. Changed my focus in life. Changed to be draw energy from others. Changed to want anything more then this. Changed to give up some believes. Changed to look for direct miracles(which now know don't exist). Changed to believing in lady luck and anything thing that can make me better. Changed (slowly) to Atheism. Changed to ignore the bad and good and everything else that don't concern me. Changed to being alone, cause at the end there is only me. Changed to "leave" my family. Changed to living in a room, a house but not a home.
At the end of 2010, my last zouk with a friend, we both made 5 resolutions for the next 10 yrs and I made 3 resolution for this year. There was once I saw this film which said "mourn the loses for there are many, but celebrate the victory cause they are few". And in this second new year, the Chinese one, I finally stayed home and watched an old show called "The Pursuit of Happiness". I think it was a good time that I caught this show. Cause the meaning of the movie really hit me like a ton of bricks. Have a conversation with my bestie last night on this movie. So optimism still about life, I cannot compare but one note is that two person of two family and life background can draw so different take from the movie. She said it give her so much hope and the happiness fought and won over time and happiness that comes all after that. But from the movie I take life is crap, life sucks and life will always screw you over and over again and happiness is only a concept, a moment, like victories, few, very few and only lasting a moment. Moments in life where there is temperorily. Simple small and time limited. Moments which we all pursuit which the movie repeats over and over again why it was placed in the original documents of the nation that it was so important to include something so simple, a concept which they knew doesn't exist in abundance or doesn't exist at all. Which is why was important to remind all that it is something we all seek, the small simple moments that doesn't last. Simple moments that to one is happiness but to others is a disappointment, lost and lose battles. We draw on another's misery to have these moments of happiness. Moments that we yearn so much for that is the downwind for another and also a downwind for us when another mounts up to that moment of happiness, their moment of happines. I suppose thats the phrase of "Misery loving company". Not that misery really loving company but that for one to be happy or have happiness another must be miserible. Like in Science there is no cold just a lack of hot. For one to be happy, one has to be miserible. Thats the fact. For people who are in misery, they draw on the happiness of others to make themselves happiness. This cycle will never end, not sure when which started, but there is no end, no way out, no exit door. We are all trapped in this cycle. You make disagree but thing about it, like a job, you apply a job you got one, means someone else didn't. When you make a sale, you got a sale, that means someone else lost a sale. When you discover a scientific breakthough, that means someone's late discovery was your happiness. Its all about this, the pull and push, the happiness like warmth and heat going from one to another...making another cold and dry.
So actually what are we doing in life? What is the actual eventual end? There is non. I say this cause I cannot believe, I don't believe and I and tired of beliving. Beliving in something that does not exist.
Through these startings and changes, I feel, I know I am no more the same that I was 30 yrs before and the 30 yrs that comes. Change for the better or worst. As I said there is no difference cause there is no good or bad, no better or worst. There is only the transferance of happiness from one to another, making one in the transition moment of happines and the eternal misery of another.
On this 3rd day, I sit in my bed, new by the way, not that whole thing, just the top mattress, new pillows and all, Sheets and coverings. On my new bed table for my lappy. My old room, my new lappy from work. My old and now spolit PC on my table. TV playing NCIS in mute mode. drinking my milo cans and Wang Wang Milk. I am looking for happiness, but now knowing how it works, I will be to take it from someone happiness, drawing like a heat from a kettle to melt the ice that is me. Someone will have to suffer for moments of happiness I yearn. And after so much, I really don't care about "that person" whoever it is anymore cause I need to be "happy" I wan to be "happy".
This is the new me for 30 yrs more. Not good Not bad, just living, just surviving to breath another day, till when life ends there nothing beyond that. We breath and we stop breathing, simple as that. nothing more, and definitely nothing less.
Happy people beware. I am coming....
And from all these "startings" I changed, I changed to be silent. Changed to think for myself only. Changed to make "them" pay. Changed to be even more selfish. Changed my focus in life. Changed to be draw energy from others. Changed to want anything more then this. Changed to give up some believes. Changed to look for direct miracles(which now know don't exist). Changed to believing in lady luck and anything thing that can make me better. Changed (slowly) to Atheism. Changed to ignore the bad and good and everything else that don't concern me. Changed to being alone, cause at the end there is only me. Changed to "leave" my family. Changed to living in a room, a house but not a home.
At the end of 2010, my last zouk with a friend, we both made 5 resolutions for the next 10 yrs and I made 3 resolution for this year. There was once I saw this film which said "mourn the loses for there are many, but celebrate the victory cause they are few". And in this second new year, the Chinese one, I finally stayed home and watched an old show called "The Pursuit of Happiness". I think it was a good time that I caught this show. Cause the meaning of the movie really hit me like a ton of bricks. Have a conversation with my bestie last night on this movie. So optimism still about life, I cannot compare but one note is that two person of two family and life background can draw so different take from the movie. She said it give her so much hope and the happiness fought and won over time and happiness that comes all after that. But from the movie I take life is crap, life sucks and life will always screw you over and over again and happiness is only a concept, a moment, like victories, few, very few and only lasting a moment. Moments in life where there is temperorily. Simple small and time limited. Moments which we all pursuit which the movie repeats over and over again why it was placed in the original documents of the nation that it was so important to include something so simple, a concept which they knew doesn't exist in abundance or doesn't exist at all. Which is why was important to remind all that it is something we all seek, the small simple moments that doesn't last. Simple moments that to one is happiness but to others is a disappointment, lost and lose battles. We draw on another's misery to have these moments of happiness. Moments that we yearn so much for that is the downwind for another and also a downwind for us when another mounts up to that moment of happiness, their moment of happines. I suppose thats the phrase of "Misery loving company". Not that misery really loving company but that for one to be happy or have happiness another must be miserible. Like in Science there is no cold just a lack of hot. For one to be happy, one has to be miserible. Thats the fact. For people who are in misery, they draw on the happiness of others to make themselves happiness. This cycle will never end, not sure when which started, but there is no end, no way out, no exit door. We are all trapped in this cycle. You make disagree but thing about it, like a job, you apply a job you got one, means someone else didn't. When you make a sale, you got a sale, that means someone else lost a sale. When you discover a scientific breakthough, that means someone's late discovery was your happiness. Its all about this, the pull and push, the happiness like warmth and heat going from one to another...making another cold and dry.
So actually what are we doing in life? What is the actual eventual end? There is non. I say this cause I cannot believe, I don't believe and I and tired of beliving. Beliving in something that does not exist.
Through these startings and changes, I feel, I know I am no more the same that I was 30 yrs before and the 30 yrs that comes. Change for the better or worst. As I said there is no difference cause there is no good or bad, no better or worst. There is only the transferance of happiness from one to another, making one in the transition moment of happines and the eternal misery of another.
On this 3rd day, I sit in my bed, new by the way, not that whole thing, just the top mattress, new pillows and all, Sheets and coverings. On my new bed table for my lappy. My old room, my new lappy from work. My old and now spolit PC on my table. TV playing NCIS in mute mode. drinking my milo cans and Wang Wang Milk. I am looking for happiness, but now knowing how it works, I will be to take it from someone happiness, drawing like a heat from a kettle to melt the ice that is me. Someone will have to suffer for moments of happiness I yearn. And after so much, I really don't care about "that person" whoever it is anymore cause I need to be "happy" I wan to be "happy".
This is the new me for 30 yrs more. Not good Not bad, just living, just surviving to breath another day, till when life ends there nothing beyond that. We breath and we stop breathing, simple as that. nothing more, and definitely nothing less.
Happy people beware. I am coming....
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