Don't Get

I usually don't get what I want in love...I don't know why...is it that I not desirable enough?...its usually taken away from me with ease...I don't like this feeling...of alway losing things to circumstances or to others.....I am just no fated...

Watching a movie

Well just got a question....'you angry so don't wan to play anymore is it?'

I answered, 'watching movie with a friend'


But I didn't say I was not angry....

But no one will know cause no one will read this blog...cause no one knows me...not them...

We were never strong enough to survive this...

Having lunch alone today made me realised that everything in life is transient of the moment....friendships...love...life...everything.... for once in my life I feel frighteningly alonely in this world...because I just lost something...but maybe I never had it in the first place. Its an oxymoron but I afraid its true. The one true stem of stenght in my life seems to be also transient...tranisent of the moment...of the time that passes. There is a chinese phrase that says there is no banquet that will not end. In the end everything ends, one journey ends for another to begin, one path closes for another to emerge from another direction to another destination. I feel I just walked finish a path but it also seems that all along this path I was on was an illusion, false illusion. At the end we were never in the first place strong enough to survive thru time and space...and over time and space we gave in and gave up....we drifted and we parted, like the banquet we are at the final dish and we are ending this journey together as we never was together.

So in this ending journey I prepare to say goodbye, as we end in the fashion that neither of us imagined. We all made choices, and choices I feel is the thing that ended this journey. Your choice made me make my choices, and you don't feel see or sense it because you left me long ago already. White lies was told knowingly or unknowingly to prelong something that was lost long ago. I was too blind to see it then and I was too blind now to see it too late. You are the world to me but I am nothing but a passing cloud in your life. The ironic thing about this entire situation is that you may never know when you ended it in your heart, when you made to decision to close to me or you will never read this blog and all the blogs before to give you a warning sign you had left me I and I had left you...

Frighteningly lonely I continue this other journey called life without friends, without family without love. LOS said before that as long as you love you still have hope. I think my hope died long ago...cause I don't know how to love anymore.

What is that four letter word mean anymore? I really don't know...

Watching LOS......

its 1.19am now...just watching LOS again for the don't know how many times...just realised I have fallen almost completely on someone that I should not even dream about... I just wanan hold him...to have him in my life...which next thing that scares me is he maybe leaving soon..... leaving from work...from my circle of life.... how would I react then?..when the time comes I may not be able to handle it... I dream of me and him together in this life..thru life..thru marriage thru young times and old....dreams that only my heart knows...that may only have my heart knowing...