It so hard for me....Why?

Some how love is always so hard for me...Why is it so hard for me to find someone that loves me more then I do? Why is this road always so hard for me? Its seems that I have not much clicks left to run...And yet it still don't find me.....

It skipped Blue and went directly to Black!!!

Seems like the monday blues totally skipped pass and went directly into black..... The office seems so black today....like everyone is moody with a chance of lashing out anytime... What will the rest of the day hold for me?... What will this day end as?....I wonder....

Whispering Heart

A peom about my old blog....by someone

Whispering heart

Whispering heart
So full of soul
Wondering where
On earth you'd go

Souls have been lost
So often yet rare
'Tis not a case
so few you can't bear

Strength will prevail
In you and your heart
Know that you must
Keep faith on your part

Now in His care
Live on but still weep
For the very treasures
You know you can't keep

So many unearthens
Lay hidden, lay deep
Here in His hands
You'll eventually reap.....

Gamine

Looking back cause cannot look forward.

I am at a stage that I cannot look forward anymore. Not that I don't wan to but that there is no forward to look towards. I have reached my zenith of my tiredness, I cannot understand life as a whole anymore. The more I look forward the more I cannot move forward. But the truth is I am the one who brought me to this stage. Sin of the father three generation down? or that I am making history repeat itself? Or that because I don't like the correct gender? What sin was done so great in my life that I cannot see feel and hear grace anymore? Is it because I fail to see it? or that I don't see it anymore cause I (a) too gone to see (b) too tired to realise and see (c) or that I don't want to see?

I do not know, all I know is that my words of ending at 30th maybe coming to pass as I slip slowly away...and no one around me knows or realised this...

In the end, there is only me, I and myself...again...nothing to stop us now from doing what either should have happened 29yrs ago or completing a deed 7 yrs ago. I wonder which is worst?

I always have said that if I could turn back time, what would I change, a million things in my mind, but now, there is only one. If I could choose once again, going back to stop one event, I would stop the event that happened on 23th April 1980 at 3.45am...The event that should not have happened...or should not have allowed to be done...my coming....

If she only knew....

Had a good sunday yesterday, spend sometime with the people I cared the most. But the day's event wasn't the most lasting memory for me. It was a conversation I had have a close someone who really made me sad. Of all the moments and thought I had, of all the givings and pleasings I give, of all the love I shared, I was hurt when I heard one sentence before and the moments of the conversation. It sadden me to think that after all these years, I am still the on on trial. Being placed on the stand to judge if I was...if I was around, if I was giving enough, if I wasn't there more...

The saddening thing is that I was always or mostly there...well up to recent, but the people who I cared most were mostly never there for me. Since years ago, and still now on going. I suppose thats why I have learned and burned to know that when I need someone, I just don't need anyone anymore, cause like the phrase goes, I scream in a crowded room but no one responds, cause no more hears... At the lowest points of my life, in the pass 10 years, no one was there for me, 'you' won't there for me...

But cause I love, I cannot give in and I cannot tell, cause I fear that what that may come after, I fear to be really totally alone. Ironically, I am already totally alone....

A Wrong Msg Sent

I just recevied a wrong msg from someone this morning...Well I am assuming its from someone to a wrong person...cause I was refered as the third person... But thats not the point I am driving here, my point is that in a small msg that you can so much about firstly yourself and secondly the image and position of yourself in the person's mind. It is true that I had lost the last straw...

Made it?....I didn't....

Yet another life story of making it.....achieving a goal....goal that pushes the person forward....But where is mine make it?...hmm...tired of living in the shadow of the past and worst of all making the same mistakes.....am I destined to fall the same way?.....

Looking but not seeing....

After so long again, I understand again that I dont want to see anymore. Looking if find but not seeing cause seeing hurts my heart over and over again. Seeing just pains too much in the now me, so I choose to look but not see. I choose to look in front, behind, to the side and pass all so that my eyes will not hurt once again. The seeing blind, I have after so much time evolved from the seeing to the seeing blind, cause to the world I am nothing but space in between the next person and them.

no more seeing...only looking...

My Last Xperiment 2009

\

半情歌........

I feel very empty, but not the usual emptiness I feel when I get lonely or in the singular-hood I am in. It feels like another whole new yet old kind of emptiness, one that I havent feel in years and never this bad. The weeks before was ok, not that bad, that I could ever see this coming...and now it feels even worst...maybe I finally realised why. I think its because I am still singing half a love song for so many years that I cannot sing the song finish or move on. And it seems that my ever up and down revolves around this. Last weekend was a not so great one, but I am not sure why I feel more upset then it should have been......and more surprisingly this week was the receiving of something that was an unexpected but not shocking item. But I suppose thats not the worst of it all, you would imagine receiving this item or replying to this item would be bad enough; but no, the worst is that I suddenly either don't want to or don't have the strenght to reply to it. I suddenly feel so tired. I cannot help but to ask who am I to this item? Do I matter that much? But then if I do that would that item know what's and why's of stuff? of me? It questions not only myself but the last 16 yrs and what actually I have been holding on...I suddenly feel so tired of holding and giving...I feel lost in his circle I created for myself, going in cycle round after round after round....and I never ever got out....the string was still stringing along my way. I had a date last week that didn't go well but now I don't know if it didn't go well cause of me and my date-less years that made me stranged of dating or that I didn't wan to date cause there was still something around good enough. But is it still good enough? I mean please its only a picnic and only clubbing, why would it upset me so much? Maybe its the lack of effort? Maybe its the lack of bodies around? I think most of all its the lack of vision.... I was never in the aperture of the camara lens....I was never in the focusing box of the shot. I was always the background...I suddenly feel so tired...I don't want to be in the focus only when there is no more other focus points...I don't wan to be not-blur in the photo when there is nothing else to focus on...I need a break, I need to think if this is what I want...I want to know if I still wan to sing this half song, my half love song in life...

I suppose all these thots are only left here in this space cause you will never see this....

So I like to delicate this song 半情歌 to the feelings I feel now....

What can I offer?

Just got MSNed by a friend to look at an album of photos of friends on a boat. Very nice pics and ver fit guys, nice girls...but got me thinking....What do I have to offer when others can offer a hundred a thousand times more then even on my best most hardworking days. I just get tired nowadays seeing pics of people who surpass me even on their weakest days. It makes me think if all I am doing now is worth it or not. I am tired, just tired....I think the only thing that can change me mind is to turn back time... But it cannot be done.....can it?

F.A.M.I.L.Y for me has become F.A.M.I.H.Y.....

I seen a SG production before that said that FAMILY actually stands for Father And Mother I Love You....some how after this week the word has changed from that to FAMIHY which stands for Father And Mother I Hate You....

Feeling the Jesus Pain...

Now I understand what it can feel like to be blame for the sins of others, the default defaulter, the one who apparently is the one responsible for all the bad stuff. To put aside life for everyone but then no one knows or no one cares. This agony and frustration is unbearable.

I realised that I am back in a room screaming but no one is listening. All only hear the words of condemnation from the crowd but cannot hear the cries of the one suffering the pain in silence.

Can I break out? Is breakout also wrong? It will be in the eyes of the 'crowd' but do I care anymore? Can I be as graceful as the one from above? I am but only human....

Who will heard my scream from the calvary?

Wanna Fly

This day is a horrible day...I just wanna forget it but I fear that it will haunt me for quite sometime. I fear that I have given up on everything.

The me now just wanna fly, fly away from this place, this sad hurtful place and restart. But I can't can I. I cannot just click on restart like I would a computer and hope that everything will restart. I cannot just cast a spell like charm and undo the entire situation.

Is it my fault from the beginning or that it was my fault for not understanding more?. I don't know. All I know is I wanna cry now, hope someone will hold me.

But there isn't anyone. there isn't anyone around. And my tear cannot flow...it is stuck...

My new 2 Months Schedule....

Finding out

He finally know... I just realised if I am ready to be this open...... My flawed decision...

I am....Hardly a Hero....Yet...

Another Sleepless night as Woes comes...

Another sleepless night, another night where my mind runs wide with the thots of my troubles. Was talking to a friend about relationships, his specifically but the topics changed to myside, and I replied that I would know how to handle one know since so long single. But I realised that the real reason is mostly because I cannot afford one now.

My life wraps around the issues of money, I live to work as I cannot afford to work to live....

Dot the Pink Dot

An event which shows and promote understanding and tolerances towards people who are different. Hope people who read this entry understand and come stand hand in hand with us. We are not different. We are the same.

Come support the Pink Dot!

After being 29...

Its been about 11 days since I become 29yo or as I would put it 16yo(+/-13). I cannot help to realised that I am really old already. The good young days seems so far away now, but not only far but not littered with as many good moments or even moment or memories as I would like it to be. Well in this new 11 days of my 29th year, I have done beach clubbing which should have been done like what 10 years ago when there were friends young enough to go with, groups of friends to party all night without sleeping and worring oh no its working day tomorr or that I need my beauty sleep; I have recreated my new wall of so called memories on my tall white cabinet with the help oh my two girls to capture the start of the 29th year of my life. I realised I am physically the same as two years before, meaning not to say I didn't improve but that the improvement isn't enough; it isn't enough to overcome the errant of my lifestyle for the past 15 yrs in 2yrs. And as I enter into the 30th year or 16(+/-14), I cannot help to feel this is as much as I can be and will be worth in life for the next 20 to 30 yrs of my life.

I have neither a lover or a partner, I have neither money or assets (seems more debt then ever), I have no physical or mental talent, I have no direction everyday as I didn't have 4 yrs ago when I started working. It seems I am further from my goals then I ever was and strangely now I cannot remember them? And frankly on this 29th year, I cannot remember neither have I the strenght to create new goals.

I have become numb in the road of travelling that I wake to work, work then gym, gym then run, run then sleep, and the day repeats itself. In this cycle, I am as stuck as the fact that it has not done me any good as much as I would like it but at the same time I cannot do anything else but to hold on to the futile hope that everything will eventually work out which in my heard deep down I know it may never happen....

How do I continue to breath everyday of every hour of every minute of every second if I know the next day or hour or min or second has no destination.

I do not know....my mystery of the 29th year of my life...

He Knows

I think he knows...and thats scares me more before I get to tell him....

End to a Great Night or a Great End to a Night?....

ITs 5.19am now, just came back, showered and supposedly to be sleeping but I find myself at the computer at this early morning blogging this entry. Last night was my 29th Birthday's celebration with the closest and most important people in my life, dinner and clubbing. I would say that I lotsa of fun and tons of lauf-er, amist the hot windless weather and a bad stomach of too much beer and brandy at the same time. Which is a note to self to not drink tons of beer and yet go clubbing with a bottle of brandy for mixer. But besides that the night was fantastic for me.

But some how now at this early hour, I cannot determine if it was an ending to a great night or a great ending to a night. But having its separate meanings and denotes. An ending to a great night would be everything was perfect, or at least 90% perfection, not much flaws and troubles. Yet a great ending to a night can mean either in the good or bed sense of the word. I cannot say that I am happy the way the night ended nor can I say I am unhappy that the night ended in this manner.

So its with this unsettled feeling and questions of what happened that I bring to bed this early morning, this early second day into my 29th year of my life.

So I will sleep and ponder if it was me or if it wasn't me.....

Happy 29th Birthday to me....but I fear to say 'and many more'...

Tired from being just me....

I am tired from being just me, me now, the place and time I am in. All seems to have gone wrong, something I have done wrong that placed me in the situation that I find I cannot come out from. Who will save me from this place? Is this my training and learning? This is the path I need to journey to become something greater? Cause I really don't know the exit path now and I fear that I may stay in here till the end....

April Again

As I enter into April, the month of my joy and my sadness, the very first few days again ask me for decisions in my life that will either affect or crush it. At 2.05am on the 3rd of April, I cannot sleep. I cannot close my eyes and not think about the future and where I am suppose to be headed. I am tired, again tired of choosing, I wished that some how someone else could think for me but then its my life isn't it? So who can think for me? Another 20 days to the day I was born, born to die? or born to suffer in the uncertainty of my sexuality, my life and my being. Another another year for me is about end and begin as I end and start and return to the begining as I enter the ending.

What will the decision I give tomorr affect my life for the next few years? Am I betraying a promise for my greater good? Or am I forgoing the option of my life for the moment of comfort now?

Tomorr will tell...

A good post

At 642 am after watching LOS again but this time in the lab...working overnight. I stumbled upon a youtube video of the theme song of LOS and the person who posted wrote this:

I made an FV of the movie "Love of Siam". The movie is great in a sense that it captures the realistic drama in a conservative asian society. Love of Siam's focus isn't about homosexuality, it's only a part of it. It deals with sexuality in general and family values. Trying to find the answer to who you are and what you are in a sea that is in turmoil, called life.

If you are homophobic or just plain ignorant, please don't bother posting any comments. No, I'm not a homosexual but I don't make fun of them either or make them the butt of my jokes. I just believe that love goes beyond the physical attraction. Whether it's sexual intimacy or gender identity.

I thot it was very nice and very factual of the movie.

Its one of the movie that I love for all times.

Cheers to LOS....

To all without Valentines this day.....

Sleepless in Singapore

A sleepless night thinking about troubles at home again. Another mind blowing night that I cannot stand...I feel like breaking free...running from everything that ties me down to this unrealitic life.

Just got a msg from my dad after whole night no reply to msg or calls...saying he frustrusted and need to think about stuff or work.... Then that means I am not frustrusted too?... The family dont know the frustrustion I go thru life, they think everything is fine and dandy...but I am tired...I also wanna run away like friends around that can do that but my hanging commitments ties me to the ground and I feel like screaming...

Do they know? Do anyone know?.... No...no one knows..

2009 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS!!!

2nd Jan 2009
My Resolution this year is a short one...only 3 main ones...but of course not forgetting the modified ones from last year...haha...

So Wish me luck as I embark on this journey of Love Life and Passion!!!...A New Journey unfolds before me, its for me to grab it by the **** and LIVE!!!!......

----------------------------------
This is the list of my 2009 New Year's resolution...last year's resolution had half done so this year I make another list of stuff I wanna. I am focusing on now things and people around more then just me and myself.

Have a read, will update as I go along untill the NY.

1) No matter how good looking, how rich, how charismatic, how people love person you are....it doesn't matter to me..cause if you arez egoistic, strong headed in the wrong sense, irritating, and rebellious....you are OUT...I don't need friends or people filling up my life with their crab... I had to many people around me with one or more of the qualities mentioned and its been a hell journney for me. So no more...I SAY NO MORE....one two three strikes and you are out. This was inspired by the Fire Drill from my work place on the 10th of Dec 2008, an incident that will shake and quake my world that people actually still think that being wrong is right?...just for their ego? for their stuborness? rebelling is cool?....think again mans....What goes around comes around. But for now you are out of my life!!!
2) Aimming for Condo by 34yo...my own place my own life...my own world YEAH!!!!.... To Pay off everything, to stop spending, to gym and work and get fit only....to save and save and save....and get my own place. GOAL FOR THE NEXT 5 YRS!!!....
3) Aimming to start and complete my PhD by 33yo....so can move up the 'academic corporate ladder'!!!.....however far I can go....



Resolution of 2008 Revam-ed (in red):
1) To be the confident, with attitude and self-centred , cool hip and definitely rocky new me.
2) To be fittest then I am ever before.... so tis 25kg more to go... I am going to gym run and do eveyrthing and anything to become like YOU. No more slacking, its train train train....run run run....gym gym gym....its 42km Standard Chartered next year for sure!!!
3) Live life for myself...only me...as in my life there is only me.... No more selfish bitches or pity-seeking idiots...all are accessories to me now and I don't need this shit.
4) Be fility rich.... Rich that those idiots will never hurt me again... Life suck..I will make it sweet to suck... Of course to pay off everything and plan 1 to get a strong savings started and a personal condo by 33yo
5) No more Str Love...Str love are for idiots...and there are many idiots out there.... What if a marriage worth? nothing!!! No amount of joy happiness and even the joy of children can cover the amount of problems, worries, troubles and most of all hurt you get in the end....my family thru with the incident, my sister going thru with the MCP-developing husband...and so many others in my life I can see....no no no as I said>I can tell you absolutely nothing...after 30 yrs its down to $180 dollars and a lifetime of debt...So its a NONO......and YES...I am BI(more gay) so...hahaha..I don't care anymore....
6) Career...yes its something that no one can survive without...and for guys its the...what they call it...'rice bowl'?...'bread-winning'? I call it crab but hey we all need money so career I am building....too the top I say...fly like I have never flown before...as since I was fat for so long..thats quite true. To FLy like I never fly before in the new place, to go where I never thot possible...with phD or without I need to be more then what I entrap myself in this current place, current situation and current life....Side line of photography and party events, COME ON IN...its more and more to do and I WILL DO IT!!!!
7) The world will now REVOLVE AROUND ME!!!...not more will other people make me revolve around them...the world is not only theirs...its now my turn to play...to go around and revolving.
8) Retirement clause revolved cause its not practical.
9) Travel around the world...YES I wanna see this joyfilled...troublefilled...and sorrowfilled world...to go places where I have never been before...alone or with someone...I wanna go...no staing still I tell you no more...I have stayed still in this crab for too long....
10) Take care of the four most important person in my life...and guess whats its no one at home..hahha....to my three besties and my little evey....you are my world now!!!
So these are my TEN COMMANDMENTs for my life now....
So thats all folks...