Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Disappointing day and for once its not about work....
Today work was ok, tiring yes, managed to complete the tender quotation leaving only 2 items. But today it was not work that I am disappointed at but more disappointed a a friend, a supposedly buddy. I cannot say much but it got me thinking that is humans just plain selfish? Ivy told me yesterday that friends are friends because we want to make use of each other. I disagreed cause I feel friends are around to carry you though life not to just use each other. Today, what that happened made me rethink that is she correct that friends are only around to make use of each other. I saddening to know this maybe true.
Haiz another Disappointment in life, and worst is its from a source I never expected.
Haiz another Disappointment in life, and worst is its from a source I never expected.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I officially hate Easter.....
I officially hate this season. Why? Cause it screws everyone up...and now I realised I am turning into a Atheist. I don't believe any more of everything. Its all crap. Like my hammer and nails story, its all the same. Bottomline, don't start something you cannot carry through. And don't make the tree go through the pain of becoming planks and just left. Commitment...that's the keyword. Many may think I don't have commitment myself so I don't have the right to judge, but judgement is passed...and of all I would think the hammer and nails should be commitment since the hammer and nails started it....
Another issue is that if you don't want to go with me then tell me, don't use religion to pull everything down and give excuses. your YYI is not the world....
SCREAM!!!!!.....yes like Katy Parry says, 6 feet under, screams no one hears....
Another issue is that if you don't want to go with me then tell me, don't use religion to pull everything down and give excuses. your YYI is not the world....
SCREAM!!!!!.....yes like Katy Parry says, 6 feet under, screams no one hears....
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I am S.I.S. tonight....
Today was a bad day. One hit after another. Then realising maybe this life, this supposedly new life may not be what I actually want or need. In this life I breath yet I cannot breath.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Second "New Year"
This maybe my first blog for the 2011 year. Lots has happened, lots of changes been made, lots of things are changing. After the first new year, after a tiring 2010, after all the has happened. I realised I changed, changed alot, not sure if its a good change or a bad now. Started to not love anymore. Started to not believe anymore. Start to move down the path of Atheism. Started to lose faith in everything. Start to drift from family. Started to die inside. Started to become more selfish. Started to resent the "silver spoon" people. Started to hate people who take for granted things in their life. Started to move away from some people. Started to live simple. Started to gain weight. Started to not gym. Started to have not good tots. Started to really hate ego people. Started to understand loneliness. Started to be alone. Started to understand life is nothing but trouble pain. Started to question why others have it so easy yet I am here struggling. Started to resent being me.....
And from all these "startings" I changed, I changed to be silent. Changed to think for myself only. Changed to make "them" pay. Changed to be even more selfish. Changed my focus in life. Changed to be draw energy from others. Changed to want anything more then this. Changed to give up some believes. Changed to look for direct miracles(which now know don't exist). Changed to believing in lady luck and anything thing that can make me better. Changed (slowly) to Atheism. Changed to ignore the bad and good and everything else that don't concern me. Changed to being alone, cause at the end there is only me. Changed to "leave" my family. Changed to living in a room, a house but not a home.
At the end of 2010, my last zouk with a friend, we both made 5 resolutions for the next 10 yrs and I made 3 resolution for this year. There was once I saw this film which said "mourn the loses for there are many, but celebrate the victory cause they are few". And in this second new year, the Chinese one, I finally stayed home and watched an old show called "The Pursuit of Happiness". I think it was a good time that I caught this show. Cause the meaning of the movie really hit me like a ton of bricks. Have a conversation with my bestie last night on this movie. So optimism still about life, I cannot compare but one note is that two person of two family and life background can draw so different take from the movie. She said it give her so much hope and the happiness fought and won over time and happiness that comes all after that. But from the movie I take life is crap, life sucks and life will always screw you over and over again and happiness is only a concept, a moment, like victories, few, very few and only lasting a moment. Moments in life where there is temperorily. Simple small and time limited. Moments which we all pursuit which the movie repeats over and over again why it was placed in the original documents of the nation that it was so important to include something so simple, a concept which they knew doesn't exist in abundance or doesn't exist at all. Which is why was important to remind all that it is something we all seek, the small simple moments that doesn't last. Simple moments that to one is happiness but to others is a disappointment, lost and lose battles. We draw on another's misery to have these moments of happiness. Moments that we yearn so much for that is the downwind for another and also a downwind for us when another mounts up to that moment of happiness, their moment of happines. I suppose thats the phrase of "Misery loving company". Not that misery really loving company but that for one to be happy or have happiness another must be miserible. Like in Science there is no cold just a lack of hot. For one to be happy, one has to be miserible. Thats the fact. For people who are in misery, they draw on the happiness of others to make themselves happiness. This cycle will never end, not sure when which started, but there is no end, no way out, no exit door. We are all trapped in this cycle. You make disagree but thing about it, like a job, you apply a job you got one, means someone else didn't. When you make a sale, you got a sale, that means someone else lost a sale. When you discover a scientific breakthough, that means someone's late discovery was your happiness. Its all about this, the pull and push, the happiness like warmth and heat going from one to another...making another cold and dry.
So actually what are we doing in life? What is the actual eventual end? There is non. I say this cause I cannot believe, I don't believe and I and tired of beliving. Beliving in something that does not exist.
Through these startings and changes, I feel, I know I am no more the same that I was 30 yrs before and the 30 yrs that comes. Change for the better or worst. As I said there is no difference cause there is no good or bad, no better or worst. There is only the transferance of happiness from one to another, making one in the transition moment of happines and the eternal misery of another.
On this 3rd day, I sit in my bed, new by the way, not that whole thing, just the top mattress, new pillows and all, Sheets and coverings. On my new bed table for my lappy. My old room, my new lappy from work. My old and now spolit PC on my table. TV playing NCIS in mute mode. drinking my milo cans and Wang Wang Milk. I am looking for happiness, but now knowing how it works, I will be to take it from someone happiness, drawing like a heat from a kettle to melt the ice that is me. Someone will have to suffer for moments of happiness I yearn. And after so much, I really don't care about "that person" whoever it is anymore cause I need to be "happy" I wan to be "happy".
This is the new me for 30 yrs more. Not good Not bad, just living, just surviving to breath another day, till when life ends there nothing beyond that. We breath and we stop breathing, simple as that. nothing more, and definitely nothing less.
Happy people beware. I am coming....
And from all these "startings" I changed, I changed to be silent. Changed to think for myself only. Changed to make "them" pay. Changed to be even more selfish. Changed my focus in life. Changed to be draw energy from others. Changed to want anything more then this. Changed to give up some believes. Changed to look for direct miracles(which now know don't exist). Changed to believing in lady luck and anything thing that can make me better. Changed (slowly) to Atheism. Changed to ignore the bad and good and everything else that don't concern me. Changed to being alone, cause at the end there is only me. Changed to "leave" my family. Changed to living in a room, a house but not a home.
At the end of 2010, my last zouk with a friend, we both made 5 resolutions for the next 10 yrs and I made 3 resolution for this year. There was once I saw this film which said "mourn the loses for there are many, but celebrate the victory cause they are few". And in this second new year, the Chinese one, I finally stayed home and watched an old show called "The Pursuit of Happiness". I think it was a good time that I caught this show. Cause the meaning of the movie really hit me like a ton of bricks. Have a conversation with my bestie last night on this movie. So optimism still about life, I cannot compare but one note is that two person of two family and life background can draw so different take from the movie. She said it give her so much hope and the happiness fought and won over time and happiness that comes all after that. But from the movie I take life is crap, life sucks and life will always screw you over and over again and happiness is only a concept, a moment, like victories, few, very few and only lasting a moment. Moments in life where there is temperorily. Simple small and time limited. Moments which we all pursuit which the movie repeats over and over again why it was placed in the original documents of the nation that it was so important to include something so simple, a concept which they knew doesn't exist in abundance or doesn't exist at all. Which is why was important to remind all that it is something we all seek, the small simple moments that doesn't last. Simple moments that to one is happiness but to others is a disappointment, lost and lose battles. We draw on another's misery to have these moments of happiness. Moments that we yearn so much for that is the downwind for another and also a downwind for us when another mounts up to that moment of happiness, their moment of happines. I suppose thats the phrase of "Misery loving company". Not that misery really loving company but that for one to be happy or have happiness another must be miserible. Like in Science there is no cold just a lack of hot. For one to be happy, one has to be miserible. Thats the fact. For people who are in misery, they draw on the happiness of others to make themselves happiness. This cycle will never end, not sure when which started, but there is no end, no way out, no exit door. We are all trapped in this cycle. You make disagree but thing about it, like a job, you apply a job you got one, means someone else didn't. When you make a sale, you got a sale, that means someone else lost a sale. When you discover a scientific breakthough, that means someone's late discovery was your happiness. Its all about this, the pull and push, the happiness like warmth and heat going from one to another...making another cold and dry.
So actually what are we doing in life? What is the actual eventual end? There is non. I say this cause I cannot believe, I don't believe and I and tired of beliving. Beliving in something that does not exist.
Through these startings and changes, I feel, I know I am no more the same that I was 30 yrs before and the 30 yrs that comes. Change for the better or worst. As I said there is no difference cause there is no good or bad, no better or worst. There is only the transferance of happiness from one to another, making one in the transition moment of happines and the eternal misery of another.
On this 3rd day, I sit in my bed, new by the way, not that whole thing, just the top mattress, new pillows and all, Sheets and coverings. On my new bed table for my lappy. My old room, my new lappy from work. My old and now spolit PC on my table. TV playing NCIS in mute mode. drinking my milo cans and Wang Wang Milk. I am looking for happiness, but now knowing how it works, I will be to take it from someone happiness, drawing like a heat from a kettle to melt the ice that is me. Someone will have to suffer for moments of happiness I yearn. And after so much, I really don't care about "that person" whoever it is anymore cause I need to be "happy" I wan to be "happy".
This is the new me for 30 yrs more. Not good Not bad, just living, just surviving to breath another day, till when life ends there nothing beyond that. We breath and we stop breathing, simple as that. nothing more, and definitely nothing less.
Happy people beware. I am coming....
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Lonely...Thinking
On a Wednesday night after a long day at work...feeling lost and lonely once again...trying to figure out exactly where I am and exact where I am suppose to be. Today's work was not a good one. After working as I feel hard for so many months, actions broken down into little bits and told its just not enough. Sub-conciously I hate the two sentences of 'room for improvement' and 'how much we gave you in the beginning'.
I feel truely I cannot take these kind of, to me, unreasonable judgement and unfairness. But then its just me. Everyone else might agree to this. I would never know idea.
As sit in my room, alone in front of my computer I wonder if life has ever been fair to me. Given and taken away...false hope and unfulfilable dreams. I sit here in this room of only four walls listening to the new song from the new episode of Narnia 'There's a place for us' and wonder if there ever will be a place for me to belong, someone out there that I can belong too.
I am growing, but growing away from reality, growing away from realisticness, growing away from life and what it stands and represents, growing away from friends and family, growing away from love and my heart. I feel so cold some nights that I don't feel cold anymore. It has become a part of me, that I can feel because I am numb, numb from the cold of life and love, cold from being in this room alone only with my four walls of blue.
At least the children from Narnia can escape into the world of Narnia, but where can I escape to? My mind is growing blind to the world of warm and people, I see what I don't want to see, only the cruel and coldness that slowly but truely that I am turning cold and cruel too.
Who am I? I have changed from Catholism to Atheist in one night....but am I choosing not believe or that I truely not believe anymore? I cannot distingish the difference anymore. As I type this very long blog in a very long time, I wonder how long more can I survive like this. From her grow apart more and more each day, not knowing her actions anymore, being the most important in my life for so long, but now just cannot hold on anymore cause I just don't understand her anymore. As much as I am lost in my life, I am as lost with her.
Will this be my last christmas? I cannot understand and don't want to understand anymore, this joyous season is now a dreaded season. Maybe being gay is really a mobit situation. Maybe there is nothing there really for us...for me...I sleep every night retreating into my world of dreams only to find the morning dawn coming too fast. I pray for another night yet I don't want to go thru the day, yet night comes and I fear that which makes me lonely but all is fine again when I sleep and when I enter into my dreams where I am safe from the troubles and cruelity of this world.
Am I also dead in this world and gone to another world of dreams. I want to escape into this dream world forever. I just want to really leave everything behind and not say goodbye. Tired....super tired....cannot breath....or don't want to breath....
I don't know...or do I?
I feel truely I cannot take these kind of, to me, unreasonable judgement and unfairness. But then its just me. Everyone else might agree to this. I would never know idea.
As sit in my room, alone in front of my computer I wonder if life has ever been fair to me. Given and taken away...false hope and unfulfilable dreams. I sit here in this room of only four walls listening to the new song from the new episode of Narnia 'There's a place for us' and wonder if there ever will be a place for me to belong, someone out there that I can belong too.
I am growing, but growing away from reality, growing away from realisticness, growing away from life and what it stands and represents, growing away from friends and family, growing away from love and my heart. I feel so cold some nights that I don't feel cold anymore. It has become a part of me, that I can feel because I am numb, numb from the cold of life and love, cold from being in this room alone only with my four walls of blue.
At least the children from Narnia can escape into the world of Narnia, but where can I escape to? My mind is growing blind to the world of warm and people, I see what I don't want to see, only the cruel and coldness that slowly but truely that I am turning cold and cruel too.
Who am I? I have changed from Catholism to Atheist in one night....but am I choosing not believe or that I truely not believe anymore? I cannot distingish the difference anymore. As I type this very long blog in a very long time, I wonder how long more can I survive like this. From her grow apart more and more each day, not knowing her actions anymore, being the most important in my life for so long, but now just cannot hold on anymore cause I just don't understand her anymore. As much as I am lost in my life, I am as lost with her.
Will this be my last christmas? I cannot understand and don't want to understand anymore, this joyous season is now a dreaded season. Maybe being gay is really a mobit situation. Maybe there is nothing there really for us...for me...I sleep every night retreating into my world of dreams only to find the morning dawn coming too fast. I pray for another night yet I don't want to go thru the day, yet night comes and I fear that which makes me lonely but all is fine again when I sleep and when I enter into my dreams where I am safe from the troubles and cruelity of this world.
Am I also dead in this world and gone to another world of dreams. I want to escape into this dream world forever. I just want to really leave everything behind and not say goodbye. Tired....super tired....cannot breath....or don't want to breath....
I don't know...or do I?
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