Had a good sunday yesterday, spend sometime with the people I cared the most. But the day's event wasn't the most lasting memory for me. It was a conversation I had have a close someone who really made me sad. Of all the moments and thought I had, of all the givings and pleasings I give, of all the love I shared, I was hurt when I heard one sentence before and the moments of the conversation. It sadden me to think that after all these years, I am still the on on trial. Being placed on the stand to judge if I was...if I was around, if I was giving enough, if I wasn't there more...
The saddening thing is that I was always or mostly there...well up to recent, but the people who I cared most were mostly never there for me. Since years ago, and still now on going. I suppose thats why I have learned and burned to know that when I need someone, I just don't need anyone anymore, cause like the phrase goes, I scream in a crowded room but no one responds, cause no more hears... At the lowest points of my life, in the pass 10 years, no one was there for me, 'you' won't there for me...
But cause I love, I cannot give in and I cannot tell, cause I fear that what that may come after, I fear to be really totally alone. Ironically, I am already totally alone....
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