Lonely...Thinking

On a Wednesday night after a long day at work...feeling lost and lonely once again...trying to figure out exactly where I am and exact where I am suppose to be. Today's work was not a good one. After working as I feel hard for so many months, actions broken down into little bits and told its just not enough. Sub-conciously I hate the two sentences of 'room for improvement' and 'how much we gave you in the beginning'.

I feel truely I cannot take these kind of, to me, unreasonable judgement and unfairness. But then its just me. Everyone else might agree to this. I would never know idea.

As sit in my room, alone in front of my computer I wonder if life has ever been fair to me. Given and taken away...false hope and unfulfilable dreams. I sit here in this room of only four walls listening to the new song from the new episode of Narnia 'There's a place for us' and wonder if there ever will be a place for me to belong, someone out there that I can belong too.

I am growing, but growing away from reality, growing away from realisticness, growing away from life and what it stands and represents, growing away from friends and family, growing away from love and my heart. I feel so cold some nights that I don't feel cold anymore. It has become a part of me, that I can feel because I am numb, numb from the cold of life and love, cold from being in this room alone only with my four walls of blue.

At least the children from Narnia can escape into the world of Narnia, but where can I escape to? My mind is growing blind to the world of warm and people, I see what I don't want to see, only the cruel and coldness that slowly but truely that I am turning cold and cruel too.

Who am I? I have changed from Catholism to Atheist in one night....but am I choosing not believe or that I truely not believe anymore? I cannot distingish the difference anymore. As I type this very long blog in a very long time, I wonder how long more can I survive like this. From her grow apart more and more each day, not knowing her actions anymore, being the most important in my life for so long, but now just cannot hold on anymore cause I just don't understand her anymore. As much as I am lost in my life, I am as lost with her.

Will this be my last christmas? I cannot understand and don't want to understand anymore, this joyous season is now a dreaded season. Maybe being gay is really a mobit situation. Maybe there is nothing there really for us...for me...I sleep every night retreating into my world of dreams only to find the morning dawn coming too fast. I pray for another night yet I don't want to go thru the day, yet night comes and I fear that which makes me lonely but all is fine again when I sleep and when I enter into my dreams where I am safe from the troubles and cruelity of this world.

Am I also dead in this world and gone to another world of dreams. I want to escape into this dream world forever. I just want to really leave everything behind and not say goodbye. Tired....super tired....cannot breath....or don't want to breath....

I don't know...or do I?